You fight too much. Your house is a mess. The bills are late. You say things without thinking or tune out during important conversations. Life is chaotic.
I have to daily remind myself whats worth fighting for, I am taking medication, I am going to theraphist and do sports etc. This is why it is not helpful if you self-diagnose your S. And if the person is not serious enough about the relationship it is not going to work. My boyfriend is a sweet, sensitive and caring person. Thats why I am fighting against my brain. It takes two to tango. Dont forget that. Thank you so much for your tips to have a happy relationship despite ADHD.
I think I may be struggling with the symptoms myself. I was diagnosed when i was very young and have know he has it but never had a comfortable opportunity to bring it up.
Close relationships with friends and family members were ruined because of it and i felt so confused and hurt. My question is to anyone with experience with a spouse or loved one.
Do they go long periods without connecting with you? I do the same but not with him. He got better and we dated for three years, but a lot of it was attributed to undiagnosed ADHD. Right before we broke up we went to therapy for a short period of time and he was diagnosed with it. We broke up because he was verbally abusive, but looking back, all of the ADHD identifiers make sense.
It was her condition which made me realize he had the same problem. We lived on borrowed money and he took credit for any aid I gave. When I contracted a rare case of guillion barre he helped me in no way and said my long term effects were all in my head. Now Our relationship is just keeping in touch so that we know one another still exists.
My experience has been that a person with adhd, no matter how much you accommodate, cannot be part of a healthy relationship. I was only used to facilitate what these two wanted and were unable to accomplish on their own.
On my part, I have attachment issues, probably co-dependency, which may have caused him to withdraw. He also smokes weed, maybe to medicate because he has zero tolerance to stressful situations. But my heart want to go back to him because I love him.
What should I do? Maybe it goes deeper maybe he feels withdrawn from. Do you ever initiate intimacy? This could be a reason why he feels inadequate or not good enough. This too could play a major part in his confidence. Does anything seem to go wrong when you have alone time?
That comes from your heart and your heart soley.
New to dating a guy with ADHD - Need advice
Sounds like ADHD. My husband has it. He was diagnosed before I met him, but unfortunately, he never mentioned it. In facthe never even took the time to get any insight or help with if after diagnosis. He just had meds prescribed.
Your story sounds eerily similar to mine. He swept me off my feet. We got married and things began to change and go downhill. I really wish I would have known what was going on sooner.
Yes, I am co-dependent also, which makes it hard. I think anything is possible, but this article makes it sound easier than it is. I have been in a one sided, lonely and abusive marriage for 20 years. I am pretty much just trying to make the best of it now. I lost my family, career, identity, self respect, happiness and sanity in a one way, go nowhere dysfunctional unhappy and unsatisfied marriage.
I feel bad for anyone who has a disorder, and I respect your decision to stay, but I just wanted to also say that you can be a vibrant happy person once again. Once you remove yourself from the toxic situation, your spirit will start to recognize itself again and heal.
You can be happy again. I guess I had figured out plenty of coping strategies as I grew up. I am still a blurter but do try to just keep my mouth shut. So I will continue reading but with a jaundiced eye. Sounds like you were brought up being held accountable for your own actions. Also, you were brought up with some some organizational skills the key bowl. Many ADHD households lack these strategies for managing their lives.
Instead, they often find someone else to do it for them spouse. I have been such a spouse for almost 35 years. I still have to manage most household responsibilities, although now I hire housekeepers and have groceries delivered. I also have someone help me with physical therapy.
Feb 27, Id love any feedback from those with adhd or married to/dating someone with adhd. Let me say this, he is a great guy and when he is in the zone he is loving and very supportive. Id like to try to understand him and work with him and he wants to do better, but hasnt made much effort. May 23, Online dating sites can be a great way to meet new people for someone who has ADHD. This is because, in addition to their usefulness in addressing common modern problems like time issues and knowing where to meet single people, they offer a chance to communicate in a way which can be helpful.
These are things I can never rely on my husband to do. I cannot tell you what to do. But I will tell you what my life looked like after being married to someone for 20 years who suffered from ADHD. My spouse never got a handle on the finances - he has incurred mountains of debt, so much so there are now liens on our property the leins are in his name only.
But I am trapped here because you cannot sell a property until the liens against it are settled. My husband did not do drugs but he did drink. That actually got worse as he got older. I believe it was the only way he ever got his mind to slow down but he has become an alcoholic in that process.
Hiding stuff - yes that got worse or maybe it was that I eventually could no longer put aside the gut feelings I had that he was hiding things so I started paying more attention to my gut. I do believe that will never change with him. Misery, total misery. In my experience, it only got worse as time went on.
While I can appreciate the concepts presented in the article, I find them to be non applicable in the context of living with an ADHD partner. And while I appreciate being reminded of them, as I do have normal relationships in my life thank Go they are way over simplified for dealing with ADHD on a daily basis. Unfortunately, I have not found them aside from leaving the relationship as it was eating my own life away bit by bit.
All I was doing was dealing with an adult person who behaved like a child of 16, all the time. Believe me you, yes, I tried and tried to find help, none was found. I spent the next year privately mourning my relationship as I knew it would never be a normal give and take partnership and the longer I stayed the more my life would be wasted away. I would suggest, if you are going to write about how to get along in a relationship with someone who has ADHD, try to give them some advise that pertains to the realities of the situation.
This sounds exactly like my situation. Do you have any tips? I am in a relationship since a year back, long distance I live in europe, him in the states and my boyfriend has ADHD, diagnosed since he was a kid.
Still I am at my breaking point. He is incredibly generous and serving when we spend time together, not selfish at all and very present, everyone absolutely adores him, very easy to love but everything practical is very messy for him.
We are very much in love. He breaks up with me every now and then and is very emotional but I learned he always comes back and I always wanted him too. We fight over the same things over and over again. He does always listen to my needs and I always feel very heard by him. I spend hours of the day worrying about our future and his life situation, very draining. But I am not sure how healthy all the smoking is.
He did get addicted to more serious drugs before for a shorter period of time but somehow managed to stop himself. He is still very active with sports and stays busy during the day, he seems incredibly healthy strangely enough but if he sits down for a while he will fall asleep lol.
He can also be very suspicious of me being with other men, which he has no reason to. He has also lied about stuff he was shameful over. Is anyone married to a similar person who stayed loving and serving, present all the way? Would love to hear your thoughts.
Things are a little different with this pandemic, and it might seem more difficult because things appear to be at a standstill.
Does he ever just disappear with no explanation for hours at a time in the house? It could be that he is taking time to make an effort to secure your future.
I can only think of a handful of legitimate jobs that are operating rn, and if he were to somehow secure one of those jobs on the top end of pay and not just settle for a minimum wage job then that would show he really does love and care about you and plan to keep his promise to you.
If he has I promise he is motivated about coming through on his promise. But if he has somehow shown initiative and proven himself I think he deserves to be treated fairly and not given up on. Trust him and watch to see if progress is being made. Good luck. Ivy, I married him and wish I had never met him. Every person I know with ADHD thinks they are happy go lucky and fun and every person I know who is in a relationship with an ADHD person says they are negative and emotionally abusive.
Read some of Melissa Orlov and realize that she apparently treats her husband like a child. Her advice is to coddle these people and adjust your entire life, persona, hopes and dreams in favor of a husband who acts like a 5th grader in all instances public, private, in bed, in their job. Being married to someone like this means you will earn the money, pay all the bills, clean the house, grocery shop and cook all the meals, do all yard work, raise any children by yourself, etc.
Talking it out does not help, does not change things. Neither does therapy. You may think that your love is big enough for two. I can only echo J. Well that sounds more like a narcissist to me. Sorry about your situation. Hello Ivy, Your situation especially the jealousy reminds me very much of a relationship of mine. Your issue may involve Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Please please please research it and decide for yourself. My Mom has untreated ADHD I believe and maybe some other mental issues too and it is so hard to try to be in a relationship with her. Basically living with someone with a permanent disability or disorder not to judge but to put it out there as something that is not just them being mean at times or moody should hopefully gives us a more accurate perspective. They do not change because they cannot change. A friend of mine has a son with ADHD.
I like your point about prioritizing your conflicts. Looking in from the outside is completely different than being directly involved in it.
Been there. Done that. This article over simplifies alot. The couples who are really struggling are where one has either untreated or undertreated ADHD, and the other does not. If the spouse with ADHD refuses to get treatment, nothing can be done. I am a member of another ADHD website geared toward couples. I hear you. Untreated is tough. Treated is no picnic either sometimes.
My hubby has been treated for years. It is really challenging at times.
Ironically I had a childhood of not being listened to. My hubby trieds to listen. I liked the end of the article reminding me to have compassion about his thinking processes. He is typically not being selfish, just trying to manage his thoughts and listen as best he can.
Hey LaurenI was just reading those notes from your personal diary. Thanks again for sharing. Hi, yes this all really resonates with me. He does his part by working and contributing financially, he even cooks a lot of the time, but everything else regarding the house and our child is down to me.
In any relationship it has to be a two way street. Wow, this is my life except we have 2 boys ages 5 and 6. My husband says he feels like he is at the end of his rope.
Seriously, I try to make it as easy as I can for him by leaving lists of things that our boys need to do on the school nights I work. Such as reading, pick out clothes and school snack for school and jammies and brush teeth before iPad time.
They just want to play on the iPads instead. I am married do a man who struggled with ADHD his whole life and made his family miserable. Now we are married for over 3 years. Overall our relationship is good, we have a very strong connection wich he ruins from time to time with his angry outburst after which he usually shuts down.
He is against medicine and refuses to even talk about it. He says he know his demons and that he already improved a lot. We have a good relationship overall with ourburst a month plus a lot of behaviors from him such as: forgetting about things I tell him, not paying attention when I talk, being on his phone, procrastinating, getting frustrated with the dog, lacking patience with pretty much anything.
It hurts me badly escpeically that I moved here, away from my family to be with him. His family is very supportive of me and his mom sees the same issues. He is VERY strubborn and hates being told what to do or given advices or any guidance.
He is 33, I am I now I am no perfect, I admit it and work on myself. I changed a lot, started reading a lot of self help books, medication, excercising, walking every morning, eating healthy, doing research.
Once in a while every months he will do mushrooms, sometimes in a microdose and then he seems like a different guy. Patient, attentive, involved. Any suggestions? Run away!!! Go back home!!!!! Do NOT have kids with this guy!!!! Your relationship will NEVER get better than it is now without kids, add kids and add stress, money issues, stress, did I say stress?
Improve yourself, further your education, follow your interests, you are FREE. He was fun, full of energy, the life of the party. Anytime anyone rides in a car with this ass, he starts harassing 30 minutes prior to time to leave that we will make him late.
He is NOT a good friend, very self centered. Sounds very much like my marriage. I am married to someone with undiagnosed ADHD and my life is hellit is always about him, he has no thoughts about how his actions impact others and how much stress he puts on his family. I am so tierd of hearing how the non ADHD has to accept them, learn to support them, etc. I agree you need to run. Please try to get out of your marriage for your own personal health. Do not add an innocent child.
Please avoid more heartbreak. I wish I could have. Children added to the mix will make it even more challenging and painful emotionally. Then you begin to lose focus on the marriage and there is no family or structural support. I have no family support either so I feel for you. Guilt is an emotion that is meant for us when we do something wrong. Our societies use guilt to control us in the social norm which prevents us from making good healthy choices.
Weigh your options and when guilt or pity rises in your deciding factor push it out. You still have life left to live. Loosing hope here.
Oh my goodness, Maria! We are married to twins! I have no advise for you because, after 3 years of marriage, I am sitting in the same spot as you. I feel for you and you are not alone.
Not going to lie, reading all of these comments are really frustrating for me at the moment. My boyfriend just got diagnosed with ADHD a few days ago after clearly struggling with it for 10 years of his life. My boyfriend and I are both 17 years old. I understand most of you are adults and married and you think you have your spouse completely figured out, but I have yet to see a comment where you guys are understanding of what you partner is going through.
He told me it was okay because he was used to people giving up and not being able to understand the way his brain works. Did I run like how all of you guys are encouraging people to do?
No i stayed. I 17 years old i was willing to prepare myself for all the obstacles because i could see the potential in this single most amazing person i had ever met. Believe me I know what it feels like to think that you are the problem. He keeps interrupting me he must not care about what I have to say.
I cause the extra stress in his life. Why does he want to be alone? I understand these thoughts can cause jealousy especially if you see someone else making your partner smile. Some advice? Yes, adhd partners are not meant for everyone.
But from personal experience I know I love this person and that they are the only person i want. And i finally believe him. It just takes time and expectance. I really hope this helped someone. You make it sound so easy. The spouses were swept off their feet in the beginning because their partner was hyper focused on them and they had never experienced anything as wonderful as that. In the beginning they did not know that the partner had ADHD and neither did they because they had never been diagnosed.
Once they married it all fell apart because the shiny new thing that they were in the eyes of their spouse was no longer the case. Without constant stimulation or excitement in their lives things became boring and their partners true nature surfaced. Some women who post about their husbands and the change that happened stated that the change did not happen until after they had children.
Even the women who knew their husbands had ADHD said there was a huge change after they had children. I dated a guy for 3 years. I know that there are things I could have done better in our relationship, and I am willing to work on those because I still want to be with him. I know deep down that he is a great person, I just got easily frustrated and lost patience and so did he. Then, eventually, you will be open to the man who will chase and want YOU! I promise! Most are miserable, or struggling.
Why live for 20, 30, 40 years with someone who is verbally abusive, has angry outbursts, blames all of their problems on you, and refuses to seek treatment? Fantastic advice, Kelly Thomas! If any ladies are here for advice about a man you want more than he wants you, this is your answer, regardless of the individual details.
No joke, it absolutely applies to all cases of unrequited love! That is something We took some time to work on ourselves. I feel so,Eli,Es that she is pushing me away due to misunderstandings or other things. I thought of saying the same thing impulsively but did not mean it. Give him a month and try again putting criticism and your own self esteem lightly aside when you speak in person.
Ask hi, how he has worked on these areas that were a struggle in the past. ADHD adults are difficult to deal with I am learning from experience putting myself in the non-adhd partners shoes.
All I know is I want to be an asset and not a reliability in a relationship. I want a real long term relationship one day and there are many things I need to work on to be more accepted by my partner but it will be better to tackles once she knows what my struggle areas are.
Hi everyone! I just found this wonderful community of people who are trying to deal with ADD. I would love to interview you! Hi Alicea, I have been seeing a great guy since July He is kind and thoughtful and yet selfish and distant the next minute.
When I ask him about things or let him know how he can make me feel, he gets defensive and often turns the situation back to me and how I must be feeling.
I am the sort of person who wants love in my life, to feel appreciated and to be considered and respected! My dog, happens to be very intelligent and knows he has a difference in the way he communicates but still resists his affections at times because he is too over powering and when he talks in his chosen voice childlike he looks at me for help! I am prepared to be there for him but onlyif he for one wants that, or is honest with himself and admits that he is not ready for a relationship or indeed he does want to try.
We clash so much but we manage to admit and accept that we do! Any advice? Growing up in a family with members who have it and then my spouse and now my children.
Learn to thrive in your relationship
Hi Anne. I am in a relationship with a man who has ADHD. My little brother also had it he passed away due to drug addiction. My boyfriend has melt downs times a month. Watching my brother grow up with it was difficult and he was also abusive. Do you have any advice about the children with adhd part?
How are you handling it? I was diagnosed with ADHD at age Currently separated for the third time. The struggles in my marriage, struggles with jobs, depression, relationship with my kids, losing my position at church and the community, etc At one point redemption was their only to completely fall by having an affair. Therapist I see said, a book can be published about my life story and sell a lot of copies.
I would be interested in doing an interview via email. I am currently living with a person who has adhd. He had a long time history of drug abuse and has only been sober for 3 years.
Being hyperactive but at the same time spontaneous. His good qualities outweighed the negative ones. Three months after exclusively dating, I got pregnant and now we have a 7 month old daughter.
We had a lot of fights over the same things related to his condition. He occasionally smoke hash and I noticed a huge difference in his behavior. But our situation is just something that makes me think about not getting married at him at all. Should I still marry him then? I was quick to dismiss the importance of learning about it because I was with an ADD male for 3 years as my first relationship and also the father of my son! Being with him was like being with any other person, I only had minor set backs with him so I assumed ADHD was no different!
Eventually I became used to things as they were! How I felt inside kept me from nagging, or bitching at him, I just kept everything to myself to avoid pushing him any further away! So I struggle on knowing how to simplify my message and speak more in direct! I have felt like I am walking on eggshells around him to avoid pissing him off! He acts on impulse! Has temper from hell and a short fuse! I have ADHD and can answer the talking-to-him thing and simplifying the messages - u can talk to him for a long time and he will listen and be able to interact if the communication style is objective and direct.
I can give two examples of you talking about having a bad day at work:. Are you listening to me? Do you like condos?
I have realised that the work:pay ratio in my workplace is skewed. My boss was talking about his new condo - do you see yourself living in a condo? The sound we make when finishing a question will keep the ADHD brain focused on the speaking too, so throw more questions in - can be anything, stranger the better, but to keep the focus even more make them specific rather than vague, e.
Hi Alicea. I have known my husband for 25 years. We were married in and divorced 9 years later and are currently reconciled although I can now see the role ADD has played in the downfall and current struggle in our relationship. Hi Noel, I married the same person twice as well, but he had a drug problem once he was young hence his ADHD has progressed exponentially.
He refuses to change. I believe he secretly takes drugs behind my back so how can I help someone who wants to live his life this way. I know what triggers his bipolar episodes and he continues to do things that are not good for his well being and his mental stability.
Any sort of drug or mental health treatment will only work if HE chooses it. He has to want it, he has to acknowledge there even is an issue. Manic can br just as scary as an episode of severe depression, just on the opposite end of thesome become hyper sexual in manic episodes, thwy feel such a compulsion to have sex or even shop.
Some even completely self destruct while doing it, paying sex workers and spending their nest egg without their spouse knowing. Literally ruining their life over the compulsion to have a lot of sex during their manic episode. It can even be a warning a manic episode is coming. Sometimes people will also develop a dramatic, unrealistic sense of self, viewing themselves in a far superior light than what is actually reality. I hope something is useful to you! Just be sure to set healthy boundaries and remember no one can ever cross your personal boundaries without you unless you let them!
I moved in with my boyfriend about a year ago. It has been interesting to say the least lol. He was diagnosed with ADD as a kid and is functional without meds as an adult. Hi guys im really in dire need of some advice.
My husband is the one that struggles with ADHD. Were both 27 and our birthdays are both in June mines the 8th his is the 20th Were both Geminis also not really sure if that has anything to do with our relationship or not.
We also have a 7 month old baby boy. We constantly fight over dumb petty crapand sometimes we cant get along. I believe i may be a little like him. I agree i may not speak to him with a calm voice sometimes but sometimes i just talk loud and he thinks im mad and we start to fight again. We can never just talk it out. He always calls me a psycho cause i get mad and end up forgetting the entire reason we were arguing. Lol What can i personally do to let him know im not always mad and want to argue.
How do i show him i really do love him.? How can i stop the bickering and the fights.? My husband is going to leave me and i would really like to rekindle with my love. Men with ADHD make threats, get mad, make themselves and everyone miserable, fight over stupid things, and turn arguments around to make it seem that the other non-ADHD partner is the one in the wrong.
Sep 12, Dating someone with ADHD can bring on certain challenges and misunderstandings, but dating someone with a dynamic personality who thinks and acts differently from you brings its rewards as well. If you're not familiar with the traits associated with someone with ADHD, many people can underestimate the impact it can have on a accessory-source.com: Ashley Papa. May 27, But a few advice that I can share is patience, compassion and communication for the non ADHD. Also if you are one that needs reassurance, set schedules and structure dating someone with ADHD will require a lot of hard work and a possible new outlook on life. If you don't want that then I would suggest moving on. I'm dating a guy who is 24 and has Adhd. Its been 3 months now. Things are good, but sometimes things can get soooooo confusing and annoying. I am very frustrated because he works so much and lives 30 minuets away from me and we hardly have time to see each other but even though we don't see each other a lot, when we do its great. we only see each other .
My advice? You and your baby will be fine. Monitor your baby for signs of ADHD when he enters schools, as it is highly genetic, and make sure he gets the help he needs. You can do this, and you can recover. I would be happy to answer some questions And would love to see the results.
Both I and my Husband have ADHD-from research on different cts of our relationship I recently realized that this is likely the cause. I got diagnosed about 8 months ago and he is just now realizing ADHD is likely his problem as well.
He is working on becoming treated for his but his doctor is not as ready to consider ADHD to be the source of his symptoms. She is not as readily open, and has prescribed a different antidepressant and then a subsequent appointment was a stronger dose of antidepressant.
So frustrating. Our relationship is typical where I am carrying most of the workload, he is not understanding my stress and feelings and health is being affected by it. We recently separated do to burn out on my part. We have two children and se is now in crisis mode and ready to listen an advocate for himself and our relationship.
I am ADHD and was diagnosed in 4th grade. I was married for 7 years and am convinced that it was my symptoms that ended the marriage. He might have been a little ADD as well. Anyway, I would love to be interviewed. I give anyone who marrys an ADHD person credit. We were both diagnosed as adults. I would love to have social contact with you IF possible. My boyfriend of 5 years and friend of 20 years just asked me to marry him.
I am crazy in love with him and scared to get married because of his ADHD symptoms. He is really open to working on himself and his issues and has incredible self control accept with anger and stress.
I need an ear and one with experience to talk to if you feel you can? Hi Cesca. I have recently been dating a man and we both have fallen desperately in love. We both have add and I feel like the RSD ct is going to ruin us. We both way overreact to little things and end up both feeling awful. I recognize my own rsd in him but he also has road from severe emotional, sexual and physical abuse in his childhood.
How ADHD Ruins Relationships
Eileen eileenrouvalis gmail. I am an adult woman with ADD. I only got correctly diagnosed when I was I was misdiagnosed for 20 years. I researched endlessly until I realized that it seemed like ADD and went to my doctors, explained, and they agreed.
I would not mind being interviewed. My boyfriend has been diagnosed with ADHD since he was a kid. I met him one and a half years ago. I definitely did not expect to have a relationship with him since I am leaving the country the next year.
He was obsessed with me, wanted to see me everyday, almost felt like I was the only thing he sees. He just left two weeks ago to his country and we said goodbye with hope.
We are faced with this tough choice that we might have to get married to be together in less than a year. He resigned a couple of months ago due to extreme stress. Finding jobs has been very difficult and I can see that it spins him around. However, at the same time, he is fully aware that he still have issues that he needs to deal with. I love him very much with all my heart. Having to hear him say all this is just heartbreaking for him as I am so far away from him and I know he is trying his best to cope.
He told me that he might not be able to hold a relationship at all: might never be able to get married or have any children after we talked about getting married and having children just a few weeks ago. This uncertainty is giving me terrible anxiety I was diagnosed with severe anxiety in I also wonder if this is worth it We have been through so much and he is such a loving person But I want a family. If there is anything that I know for sure in my life is that I want a family.
Relationship only works if both partners are putting the same commitment and effort in it. Do not marry him. It will only get worse. He says he has outgrown it. Well, you never outgrow it! Escape while you can. I as the person without ADHD do so much more work to understand and cope with it. It is really unfair. My spouse is so disorganized, and procrastinates, and is so distracted. I send him material on strategies to control his symptoms better and he ignores it.
I am getting to the point where I feel that we should separate for my own sanity. Of course he believes this is all my fault. I have an autoimmune problem made worse by stress and have barely been able to get out of bed for anything but work the last two days due to the stress of my marriage.
Anyone got any advice? Heather, I cried as I read your post. It sucks having ADD. I try but seem to fail back to the same behavior that is driving my husband crazy. Lisa, I am the ADD wife in a 20 year marriage. I am trying.
He is totally against me trying any medication for it. But it makes me sad to see how frustrated he is with me. In am in that exact same dilema and currently resting up due to severe stress and anxiety brought on by my adhd partner of 4 years.
I would be keen to share coping strategies etc. I feel so lost. I do have some advice, after 25 yrs of marriage to somebody totally unreliable. For example, keep him far away from mailing your tax return to the IRS. You might need to spend household money on babysitters and maid service, and that might be non-negotiable for your sanity.
ENJOY the parts of life that can be spontaneous and uaccessory-source.comedictable. As a male diagnosed with ADD, my experience seems opposite to yours. I am treated, but even before treatment had no issue in being reliable, holding jobs, supporting family, pursuing creative interests, parenting children, etc If your analogy would have stated that he would always have ADD like it usually rains in Seattle I get it.
If that is the case then maybe my wife has a more severe case of ADHD, yet undiagnosethan I ever did as that is how I feel most of the time. It is important to know that the two of you have different strengths.
I find that people with strong logistic skill that can fire off a list of sequences without mistake often have difficulty creating a better solution to a problem. Creativity and spontaneity are important elements of life. Even some without and ounce of ADD are good at this too. I think you have some great points here, thanks for sharing! Would you mind if I asked you a few questions?
Maybe we could do a quick over the phone interview? That is great advice, especially coming from a person with 25 years of marriage experience! I am doing a bit of research on the topic because my fiance has ADD and I am trying to get a better idea of what I am getting myself into. I am doing a couple of interviews with mental health professionals but I would love to get the perspective of someone who has so much life experience.
Would you mind if I interviewed you? Thank you for your time! After being ready to get divorced about 7 yes into marriage I gave my spouse the option to take some adhd meds or we were done. If you are new to the relationship and you are already feeling frustrated, get out. I have been with my husband for 24 years. We have nine children ranging from 1 year old twins to 19 year old.
I have had moments of leaving often over the past ten years. My husband has had lots of unemployment probably more than half our marriage.
He seems consumed with ADD which he was only diagnosed with in the first few years of our marriage. I understand the symptoms of ADD but does that mean I always have to live with them? Do I always need to be the responsible one?
The organised one? I now need to get a job despite homeschooling three of our children and still breastfeeding twins, because we cannot afford to live. He says I undermine him with the children, rather than seeing his own behaviour pushing them away. I just want some peace and consideration rather than having our whole family life consumed by ADD.
I feel like I can relate to this so much. My boyfriend is 21 and has adhd, he was diagnosed when he was around 3. Heather, your life is literally word for word my life. So much damage has been done. I have lost myself and my life for my partner. I truly believe the best thing is to go our separate ways. Hi Katewe seem to have a lot in common!
I also am married to a man who has ADHD as well as bipolar disorder. I am currently off on medical leave due to a mild stroke where I could use a little extra help and understanding.
When I reach out to seek advise. No idea is a good idea unless he came up with it, he struggles keeping jobs, sometimes he becomes violent and condescending and says that he constantly feels disrespected.
The sad part is. Thank you all for sharing your stories. We have a long distance relationship which in itself is really tough for two people with no adhd. We both love each other and are doing our best, but the reality is that we need a third party to help my partner. I really appreciate all your comments and helped me realize a lot.
All the feeling of those non-ADHD partners is also what I am experiencing until now like feeling unloved and no appreciation from our partner and even cheated once. I feel stress. I still have the feeling that, over million girls in this world why me has been chose to date him? I also observe that I am just the only one fighting for us and if I give up, I feel like he will not chase me and fight for me. He threatened me many times that he will break up with me and I am just the one asking and beg him not to and continue to workout with me.
He always doubted me loving him but in fact I am just giving him unconditional love, but he never appreciate that and I only received resentment. For those partners who is non-ADHD: 1. Where does your strength coming from to continue to fight for your relationship? Is it really worth fighting for? He has refused treatment r even that he has it until last yr. I try and try to do my best I am in love with him and I thought he loved me the same way I trusted him completely.
My partner of 12 years was diagnosed with ADHD last year and admitted to a drug addiction as well not long after. Our major point of contention for the past few years are his disappearing acts. He pulled many weekend all nighters, but they were with friends when I was around - not independent of me.
I always went to sleep and got back up in the morning. He refused to go to addictions treatment and has supposedly been clean for 3 months now, but the disappearing acts and shady secretive phone messages are still happening. Is my request for him to stay home at night an unreasonable request? Not unreasonable at all. I would seek professional help in your case.
Perhaps an intervention would be helpful. I agree. It is not an unreasonable request. Whst you dont seem to understand is that its more than just addiction. I know someone kind of like his partner. And the fact I had dabbled w drugs in the past nothing like this mans partner but bcuz of this man i had gotten addictions to certain pills. But hiw can i when i ko he will be leaving me soon. All becuz of his assumptions.
He knew at the beginning of the week i wasnt feeling great so eould have to let him know for sure i could come on the day i let him know yesterday i would today i managed to be ready on scedule as he wanted me at his for 7. I heard nothing from him all day so at 6. I was already on my way to his when he finally replied so i pulled over, said i will leave it for today then and just see you saturday shall i?
He said yeh ok. That was it. He knows how hard it is for me to get ready on time and even leave the house due to anxiety but i was so pleased i had managed to do it all only to feel stood up.
I turned round and came home again. I adore him but im feeling more unwell now than ever and dont know what else i can do? My bf got diagnosed with severe ADHD as an adult and also has a severe sleep disorder, which keeps him from being able to work. My health has taken a nosedive, too. Hi Beatrix, I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and about 6 months ago we went to couples counseling. He was wuickly diagnosed with ADHD. I also have severe anxiety and we would be a simple discussion turns into a huge fight where our emotions would be extreme.
One thing that dramatically helped us is the psychologist has us listening to podcasts on adhd and relationship advice that interest us 2x a week. Then we have to discuss it. Why this has helped is it brings thing from a defensive mindset to more of a learning and team approach. So if i have something that is bothering meits like bringing a 3rd party in the picture.
Maybe try this? My boyfriend of 2 years obviously has severe ADHD. He really loves me and he spends a lot of time thinking of how to make me happy and he has been affectionate and loving all the time we have been together. I pointed out this problem so many times we were both tired of discussing this issue though he agreed many times he will work on it but it seems like he forgets right after he promises and nothing much has changed. I feel like he is just in his own head when we have a conversation.
He is very witty playful and goofy so he made me laugh a lot in the beginning of our relationship but it seems like it is impossible to have any sort of a serious chat with him and he does not show any interests in any topics that I am interested in at all.
I ended this relationship because of this communication problem but he tired so hard to get me back that I could not just walk away so far and I do love him too. I agreed that I cannot change him or should not force him to take medication. Also he does not trust shrinks and he cannot afford psycho therapy because his work is unstable due to his adhd problem. I am turning into a big nag and started getting tired of him. Ameli and Jo, my advice to both would be to move on.
I have been married to a man with ADHD for 28 years, and he refuses to take medication or see a therapist. He is a functional adult in the work world, successful, actually - and believe it or not - is trained in marriage counseling. But when it comes to our marriage, he is classic ADHD denial. I have always been the manager of our lives. Setting time limits for use can help with this. This can take away the stress of bringing it up when out on an initial date.
Dating someone w adhd
Talking about ADHD can largely depend on how well a person knows their condition and how its symptoms manifest. Because ADHD can present very differently with three main types Primarily Inattentive, Primarily Hyperactive-Impulsive and Combined Type one person might vary markedly from the next in what sort of challenges they face.
In addition, there are still many myths and misconceptions which surround ADHD, including that it is only a condition which affects children, and mainly boys. Many adults with ADHD were never diagnosed in childhood, so have developed a lot of maladaptive coping mechanisms such as self-medicating. This can be the time when issues such as impulsivity or inattention really begin to be felt by both parties.
In the case of long-term relationships or marriage, researchers suggest that ADHD becomes more problematic for couples who have overlooked the condition during the earlier stages of dating. One of the main ways to tackle problems is for both parties to develop more empathy for one another. This can mean making sure you take time to keep educating each other on ADHD and learn coping strategies together. The person with ADHD may feel anxious and worried the condition will mean that all their romantic relationships will be negatively affected.
For the partner who is struggling with ADHD-related issues such as important occasions being forgotten or chronic lateness, it can lead to feeling unappreciated or like their partner is losing interest in them.
By discussing these issues openly, and working on constructive communication, as well as a willingness to have greater empathy, many of these issues can be overcome. Dating someone else who also has ADHD can seem like a fantastic solution to this issue. Being around someone who has also been in the same position and knows firsthand the challenges that ADHD can bring can be a relief.
There can be major incompatibilities if different people suffer from different types. There can also be extra stress if both parties are prone to issues such as impulsivity or a lack of organization.
As with many other areas of dating, much of the success of the relationship will come down to general compatibility and the willingness to listen and take mutual responsibility for the relationship and any negative behaviors associated with the condition. For some people, dating another person with ADHD can be an incredible learning experience. For others, it can magnify existing issues as both parties struggle with their individual symptoms.
While many websites and books offer sound and solid advice about ADHD and relationships, many of them are dedicated to fixing problems or to discussing if people with ADHD can have healthy relationships.
Keeping a positive mindset with focus on the benefits as well as the challenges can be really useful. This means taking responsibility for the condition, being willing to be open about challenges, and working on issues of self-esteem. Your email address will not be published. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed. Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published.